Day 8 of retreat: Something unbelievable happened in the hall today. After a good 2 hour sit from 4-6 this morning, I was walking on the trails and saw a giant stag in the morning fog. The muscular gay Cuban from Miami tried to talk to me about it but I ignored him. I felt bad but I was just following the rules. That’s not the amazing thing though. It was in the afternoon after the fasting. I was sitting, doing the scans, when suddenly every particle I was counting turned to a liquid fire and engulfed me. It felt really good. Like, I think I might be cured. Something definitely changed in me.
Day 9 of retreat: Today was hard because I kept trying to go back to the fire feeling. Everything still went quiet like God’s mind but the transmogrification didn’t occur again. No matter, I know I am making true progress. “Patiently, persistently, you are bound to be successful.” I don’t need to eat as much as I usually do. Fasting isn’t even difficult anymore. I can’t help but pity those glutinous pigs at lunch. What are they trying to prove with their pile of food? I know, I know, “may all beings be happy.” Sometimes when I’m sitting I think, I doubt anyone else is going this deep. I think I might be one of the best meditators. Then I get so embarrassed at my own ego. Still, I feel amazing. I think this is working. The thing is I don’t even fear the pain anymore because I know I will transcend it every time. I’m not even that scared of biking north after this is over. I feel like I could sleep out in the snow no problem. Maybe I should go farther north than Glacier. Maybe go into Canada even?
Day 10 of retreat: We were allowed to talk today and it felt like a drug. It was jarring at first but then euphoric. What I am most amazed by is this visceral feeling of empathy. I don’t struggle to look people in the eye anymore and I delight in feeling what they feel. I talked to the muscular gay Cuban from Miami and he said that he also felt himself engulfed in infinite particles of energy. He was afraid he was having a psychotic episode. When I said mine felt like a fire, he looked to the sky and said, “like a phoenix.”
Usually I am hesitant to make new friends but I have added about 20 people into my contacts. I think I will have quite a few places to stay along the rest of my bike trip, however long that goes. Perhaps I will go all the way down the coast to Mexico after I make it up to Canada.
At the end, as a “healing balm” we learned a new practice called Metta. It’s sort of like loving kindness but I had a really intense reaction. It was literally as if a piece of the sun were growing in my chest. I cried for the first time and thanked God or something, someone. Yeah it was God. I really believe all of this work is paying off. As proof, after leaving a voicemail for Barbie, she said I sounded like a new man. My Mom sounds surprised too. This is why I think it might be for real this time.
Day 1 of biking: I meditated for an hour last night and then this morning before having my first cup of coffee in 10 days. Boy, does it feel good to write in this journal. I slept in the pine trees near the tracks and the trains went by all night but I still slept like a rock. Like a rolling stone. It’s hard going up hills with this old bike but I think I might make it to Idaho falls by noon. Might even skate in the park. The retreat seems like it has given me supernatural abilities, my energy is endless. Barbie and I talk on the phone every day. Things are going well.
Day 2 of biking: Coffee still feels like a drug but not as good as that first morning. Still, I’m keeping up the meditating 2 hours a day and I might make it into Montana within the next day or two.
Day 3 of biking: Today was a lot of downhill on long stretches of highway, and with an auspicious tailwind I made it 150 miles, to cross the Montana border. I’m meeting many bikers who are crossing the country. They all have expensive bikes and warn me about the Grizzlies up north. So, I bought some bear spray and I keep it with me in my sleeping bag. Still, I’m not using the tent because it only slows me down. Barbie says I should give offerings to the earth.
Day 4 of biking: Today was rough. I struggle to make it over the mountains on this old road bike and the logging trucks come so close to me on these winding highways that I think they must be messing with me. Last night, I felt like I heard bears everywhere, but I accept that I might just be going crazy. I bought a beer this evening, just one, and a kombucha. I heard that probiotics are supposed to help the deleterious effect of whatever chemical alcohol transforms into your gut over night. The beer should help my nerves, sleeping out in the open. I told Barbie that I’ve been sleeping with the bear spray but I spared her the details about the beer.
Day 5 of biking: Today was another hard day but I am getting closer to Glacier. Someone told me a story about a Canadian woman who got eaten by a grizzly outside of the post office. She was biking the continental divide. The bear came back and dragged her out of her tent 2 hours after she had sprayed it in the face. Anyway, I bought another beer this evening because I did such a good job controlling myself last night.
Day 6 of biking: I only had one beer last night and I don’t feel hungover. Even if I did, this cold northern wind would fix me right up. I’m headed into Glacier today. I met a guy at the park who said he moved to Montana to be close to the grizzlies. Said they are like big dogs, with 3 dimensional smell. Maybe I am being a baby. What am I so afraid of?
Day 7 of biking: Ok, I got a little overstimulated after my hike yesterday and accidentally got drunk. I swear I could smell grizzlies on the path as I was coming down in the dark. So, to celebrate my survival I got a six pack. Not to mention that one legged woman who shot right near me with the AR when I was biking, hit some explosive device. Anyway, I stopped at a bar after the stores closed and they just kept giving me free drinks. I kept biking all night and eventually woke up in a graveyard with my bike missing. After an hour of panic I realized that I had actually locked my bike to the fence behind a shed. I think Barbie might know what’s up. At least she seems suspicious of how giddy I sounded on the phone. Still, I didn’t lose the bike so all is good. Might catch the Amtrak if I can.
Day 8 of biking: Ok, I got drunk all day yesterday because I was so hungover that it was hard to bike. But now I think I actually lost the bike. I have cuts on my face and I feel pretty haggard. Barbie definitely knows I was drunk. What should I do now?
Day 1 of walking: I meditated for 2 hours again today. I feel pretty ashamed but Barbie says she will forgive me if I agree to stop drinking. I did. The plan now is to go meet up with her. I don’t know how exactly I will get there. At this rate it may take me months. I’ve been walking all day and hitchhiking when I can. The thing is, I don’t feel that bad today. I feel pretty good actually. And at least I’m not beating myself up.
