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The Broadside

The Student News Site of Central Oregon Community College

The Broadside

The Student News Site of Central Oregon Community College

The Broadside

SATIRE: The Conspiracy of Mondays


Another moping Monday doesn’t start on the week’s worst morning, but days before in swear-filled preparation when we fill our bellies with overpriced coffees, irreverent memes, and stonefaced streaming of half-assed TV series these days (I’m looking at your House of Targaryen/Rings of Power). We didn’t choose this inherited social structure and at this point I think everyone is too groundhogian afraid to ask. But the rearing head of my inner child blurts out for the twelveteenth time “Why?” Why doesn’t the collective leaders of the world band together to say a big giant Feck You to the gatekeepers of happiness and bannermen of dread?

Don’t know who that is? Well neither do I, but let us tighten our girdles and tallyho forth on a typical rabbit hole excursion of the digital tree cloud of the interwebs.

 The real diddily keshtchun we are all in search for what is the meaning of life? is why do we host a Monday in our weekly lineup at all and who decided that Mondays would follow two days of reprieve from the worse-k week and why are the criminals of these atrocities not standing ignominious public trial for their unrelenting misdeeds against humanity?

With no one lining up, I do what any normal person would do to solve the mysteries of the multiverse, and plunge directly into the source of all knowledge, the self Wikipedia. Browse browse browse, skim through foreign language references, random note about Garfield the cat, 

*record scratch*..Uh…what does religion have to do with this?…wait…I do declare

…makes mental note…maybe religion is the culprit…

The 1st amendment this whole time was to uphold the religious indentured servitude of the becursed Mondaysand by extension the entire workweek! Manufacturing consent sheeple, time to wake up! Grab your pitchforks! Vive la révolution! 

Ahem. *places tinfoil hat momentarily aside* Further reading on VVikymedes. Ah! And finally. The only real source of knowledge and information. It is my favorite place on the interwebs after all, the most used app on my phone, and my constant companion anytime I delve into French anthropologist journals. Come at me. 

Drumroll for the reveal.

So..uhh…the moon?

The Moonies. AP Photo/File

Anything moon involved must certainly be the culprit.

Well. Deep subject Lets immediately tackle the obvious blaring elephant in the room. 

Drive-by moonings. We all know we have each been participant and observer to these often hairy situations and I say no more, you foul and filthy plesiadapiformes, because enough is enough and we no longer deserve to be scarred by both irreverence and Mondays, so its gotta go.

Now, if only it were that easy to get to the bottom of things. It isn’t. Well, It is. Case closed.

Questions? Comments? Actual Researchers? Drop a line below, you liars.

Works Cited

Wikimedia Foundation. (2022, October 3). Monday. Wikipedia. Retrieved October 10, 2022, from 

Monday (n.). Etymology. (n.d.). Retrieved October 10, 2022, from 

Snodgrass, E. (2022, August 17). Mass weddings and cult accusations: Who are the “Moonies” and what is the Unification Church? Insider. Retrieved October 10, 2022, from

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