Horoscopes Reinterpreted Week of April 27 – May 04

Aries (March 21-April 19)
This week you should try to keep a low profile, because the stars spell out trouble in your future. This might make you worry that your friends and family will find you to be a stick in the mud, but the truth is they already think you’re boring so no harm done.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Lately, you’ve been feeling like someone close to you is holding you back, and you’re about ready to cut them loose. However, once you do, you’ll soon find that you had it backwards, for after you cut ties, that person will excel while you remain stuck in your rut.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
You have a lot going on in your life right now, and you may be tempted to let personal problems get in the way of other things. However, the stars suggest that you suck it up and get things done despite what’s going on in your own life—the progress you make in other areas will
distract you from your problems.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
You’ve been spending your time regretting recent events in the past, and frankly it’s starting to bum people out. It’s time to accept that there’s nothing you can do about things that have already happened, and get over it.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
Leo, do you always have to be such a downer? You’ve been looking at every aspect of your life in a negative light, but what hasn’t occurred to you is that if you were less pessimistic your life may not stink so bad. Try lightening up a bit!

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
This week you should try to follow your dreams, no matter how crazy or risky they may seem. Take a chance and try to be the person you always wanted to be—only after you fail at that can you accept your mediocre fate and move on with your life.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 21)
You’re feeling resentful towards someone close to you this week, and it may be hard to resist taking it out on them. Since it’s so hard, why even bother trying to keep your hostility at bay? Go ahead and let it all out; even if it makes someone cry, at least you’ll feel better.

Scorpio (Oct. 22-Nov. 21)
This week it’s inevitable that someone you normally wouldn’t associate with will turn you onto a new hobby that you never knew you’d enjoy. So, for the sake of social appearances, you might want to avoid anyone who looks too freaky, just in case.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
You feel like all of your friends are leaving you out, which is probably because they are. Not only that, but they’re conspiring against you and preparing to dump you from the group—beat them to it and shun those losers. Just go back to playing Pokemon cards, that will show
them.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
You’re at a “slow period” in your romantic life, which really means that you couldn’t get a date if you offered someone $50 to take you to dinner. That’s really a bummer, but you should at least pretend you’re not bothered, otherwise your desperation will just worsen your problem.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
You probably thought you were very clever when you ridiculed that person in your life, you know who it was, but this week you’ll be suffering a karmic backfire. You’ll soon realize you messed with the wrong person, because you are in for a very terrifying week.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March. 20)
You’re going to be struck with the random urge to break into show tunes at least thrice this week. You should go with it! Best case scenario, you will bring harmony to your community by getting everyone to sing and dance in sync, and worst case scenario is everyone will hate you.