When I joined tinder for the first time I knew to expect the best. Best set up, best algorithm, best everything. It’s the kind of site you can rely on. The kind of site where you don’t have to sign up with your mom’s phone number because Julia Marie Mc*** Na***** got your’s banned two years ago.

Somehow still, Tinder managed to exceed my expectations. Not even a week into my stint as a Tindie, I received a personalized email with some thoughts about my profile.

At this point Jack had my full attention. What tells could I possibly have that would warrant an outreach LGBT corresponder? And isn’t that word spelled ‘correspondent?’

Enlightening stuff. I never knew how far off the mark I was really presenting. To compensate, I combined them all into a single photo.

I’m happy to say that my profile now features a basketball court background, where I’m shirtless and (just to be safe) pantsless, on stilts, with Joel Embiid’s face photoshopped onto my head, while beckoning suggestively at a lamppost.

Whew. Dodged a bullet there. I’m glad I was able to adequately represent heterosexuality.

My hope in sharing this, is not only that other straight men who may be making the same mistakes I did, can correct them before the algorithm decides to pull a tricky one.

It’s also to warn gay fishermen and basketball players that the reverse is possible.

This satire, and all future satires written by Liam, are now available as episodes of Off-Script with Liam Gibler. Find them on Spotify, Apple, Amazon pods, and wherever else you listen to podcasts.