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Mental health check: five ways to get in the shower when your tummy hurts

Picture this: you’ve woken up. When you’re finished crying you’ll need some place to rinse off. But pulling yourself out of bed has never been harder. In an era of weighted blankets and linen pajamas, leaving your pillow prison is no easy task already, but when you’ve got a tummy ache it is next to impossible. 

“I’ll just lay here till I feel better,” you foolishly think. “And if I don’t have time to wash, that’s fine too. The stink of decaying flesh is really meditative, it honestly reminds me that my time here is temporary.”

Bullsh*t. Your brain will say anything when your stomach hurts and this is no exception. But does knowing that make life any easier? Of course not. You need planning. You need a call to action. You need what researchers at Yale are calling: ‘DISCIPLINE’. Dopamine Induced Strategies for Cleaning which when Integrated help People Largely Ignore Navel Enmity.  

An in depth article from Science Translational Medicine, a journal run by the American Association for Advancement of Science (AAAS), thoroughly described their findings. And what I could glean from the brief excerpt not hidden by a paywall, was equally hard to read. However, after digging into the subject from increasingly less credible sources, I was able to find a free description of Inside Out on Imdb.

“Growing up can be a bumpy road, and it’s no exception for Riley, who is uprooted from her midwest life when her father starts a new life in San Francisco. Like all of us, Riley is guided by her emotions – Joy, Fear, Anger, Disgust and Sadness. The emotions live in Headquarters, the control center inside Riley’s mind, where they help advise her through everyday life.” 

The groundbreaking documentary on long-time case study Riley Anderson, highlights five of the six central beings controlling humanity’s every action. What was discovered in the years following the film’s release in 2015, was not only that it would go on to be an underrated classic, but that a key figure was missing from the picture. The sixth emotion: Gastro-intestinal distress, whose story will be closely followed in the upcoming sequel.

Main takeaway? Sh*t happens. Until it doesn’t. But you still have to get in the shower regardless. Secondary takeaway? I don’t have access to any real information and have no credentials. 

Anywho, here are my five ways to get in the shower when your tummy hurts. 

  1. Gaslight yourself, or alternatively, ask a friend or loved one to gaslight you. Say: “My stomach doesn’t hurt, why would I think that? These whale noises are completely normal and indicate nothing.” Or have someone else demean you like: “You think those are cramps? You’ve never felt cramps a day in your life, I’ll show you cramps!” And then have them punch you really hard.
  2. Invent a time machine. Go back in time to before your stomach started hurting and take some tums. Or go to the future, where there are no stomachs because everybody just gets their energy from satellites or something. You won’t need to worry about being queasy if you don’t have a stomach.
  3. Buy a boat. This one’s an example of subliminal messaging. When you see that boat, you’ll think about how annoying people who own boats can be about it. That thought alone will make you want to wash yourself off. And if that doesn’t work, you can buy another boat that’s way out of your price range without telling your dependents. Knowing that you’re screwing up your life and your family’s, could be enough to motivate you to shower and go to work.
  4. Write a poem about it. How does having a stomach ache make you feel? Turning those feelings into prose could make you the wealthiest, most famous poet ever. Imagine people coming from far and wide to hear you talk about your inspiration. Would you want to have that moment ruined by perspiration? Avoiding that embarrassment would drive anyone to the shower, no matter how much their tummy hurt.
  5. Wait until your stomach doesn’t hurt. The best way to overcome adversity is to ignore it while scrolling through social media. Even the worst aches have to end sometime right? Even if you miss two to four classes, or get fired; it’s all worth it if you know you’ll have a good shower and a happy belly at some point.

Hope that helps. 🙂

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