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Horoscopes Reinterpreted Week of May 11 – May 18

By Cedar Goslin

Aries (March 21-April 19)
There are a lot of choices coming your way this week, and the wise people in your life will urge you to find the difference between right and wrong. Well, forget them; your only choice is between fun and boring, so just go with what gives you the most immediate satisfaction. Who cares about the consequences?
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
This week you’ll finally see the results of all the hard work you’ve been doing. But don’t get too excited; I didn’t say they were good results. Everything is bound to blow up in your face this week, so you might want to keep a towel nearby.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Even though you’ll be surrounded by people, this week you’re going to feel isolated and alone. Don’t worry, you’re not going crazy; you’ll be feeling this way because everyone will be trying their hardest to pretend you don’t exist.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Everyone around you is striving to reach big goals, while you insist on taking it one step at a time. You tell yourself that you’re being realistic and cautious, but really you’re just being lazy.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
You can only push yourself so hard, Leo, so maybe you should try taking it a little easier on yourself. This week should be dedicated to reversing all of your recent hard work by being a complete waste on the couch.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
This week is the calm before the storm, so to speak. It will be peaceful and quiet, but don’t get too comfortable because that only means that the worse is yet to come. You might want to get an umbrella.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 21)
You take one step forward and then two steps back in everything you do. It’s almost like you’re frightened of your own success, which is kind of weird. You should gain some confidence and stop hindering yourself; that’s what family is for.
Scorpio (Oct. 22-Nov. 21)
You’ve reached the point where nothing phases you anymore, and you’re ready to take whatever life throws at you. In other words, you’ve reached such an all time low that it can’t possibly get any worse, right? So tell life to bring it on.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
This week the stars are telling you to be more sociable. That’s right, even they get creeped out by your bizarre golem-esque behavior. You should work on getting out of the house more often, because all of this isolation really isn’t healthy.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
You’ve been quite the gossip lately, haven’t you? Not that anyone can blame you. With a life as boring as yours, it makes sense to want to talk about other people’s instead. You could try making up gossip about yourself. That might fool others into thinking you’re interesting, even if you can’t fool yourself.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
This week you have to decide between doing what you’re told and being an individual, which is really just the choice between pleasing others or pleasing yourself. This shouldn’t be a difficult decision at all, after all, you know what they say; life’s too short to make other
people happy. Or something like that.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
The stars spell out prosperity and good fortune this week; unfortunately, these things aren’t for you. This week you’ll notice just how little you have compared to everyone else. Oh well, look at the bright side, oh wait… there isn’t one.


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