Wednesday, August 10, 2022
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Horoscopes Reinterpreted

by Cedar Goslin

ARIES
March 21 – April 19
This week put your personal talents to use in order to over come an obstacle and pay special attention to your sixth sense. Hopefully it’s not seeing dead people, or you’re in for an interesting week.
TAURUS
April 20 – May 20
The stars suggest that this week should be spent reflecting on your life in order to obtain inner peace. While that sounds nice in theory, in reality it’s going to be unspeakably dull, so make sure to bring a snack. Nothing says you can’t find inner peace while eating a Milkyway.
GEMINI
May 21- June 20
This week something terrible will happen, which will turn out to be a blessing in disguise. With any luck, it will be a real blessing in disguise, and not a “well, your car blew up but at least now you don’t have to pay for gas” situation.
CANCER
June 21 – July 22
This week you’re going to be tempted to procrastinate, which is just another way of saying that you’re being lazy and need to kick it into gear. Nothing good could possibly come from putting things off, especially with finals week drawing nearer, so it’s best to put the video games down and get to work.
LEO
July 23 – Aug. 22
Lately you’ve been working on becoming “more in touch with your emotions.” Which really means that you’ve been taking everything way too personally and bursting into tears whenever someone says boo … literally. This isn’t you, Leo! It’s time to act less like a kitty and more like a lion!
VIRGO
Aug. 23 – Sept. 22
The stars suggest that you should focus on getting your own private affairs in order and worry less about the affairs of others. Translation: you’re so caught up in being a busy body that your own life is falling apart.
LIBRA
Sept. 23 – Oct. 21
Do you have an interest in astronomy or the paranormal? Now is a good time in your life to start pursuing those fields. In other words, the fact that you put off doing homework in favor of hunting aliens means the paranormal is really all you’re prepared for.
SCORPIO
Oct. 22 – Nov. 21
Reconsider where your life is headed. That’s right, even the stars think that you’re setting ridiculous goals for yourself. Sure, you’re supposed to do what you’re passionate about, but if your passions include anything that defies the basic laws of physics, it’s time to move on.
SAGITTARIUS
Nov. 22 – Dec. 21
Your week is going to be very pleasant. You’ll experience good luck, receive excellent grades on all of your school work and maybe even meet a good love interest. We both know what this means, that’s right, it’s the calm before the storm.
CAPRICORN
Dec. 22 – Jan. 19
You’ve been wondering why you’ve been approaching your daily activities with feelings of indifference—it’s called being bored. You’ve been coasting lately, and either challenge yourself, or develop a video game addiction.
AQUARIUS
Jan. 20 – Feb. 18
A friend is going to be in dire need of your help, counsel or maybe just your company. No, now is not the time to skip town, but rather to make yourself available for that person. Taking care of number one doesn’t always mean taking care f yourself
PISCES
Feb. 19 – March 20
You’ve been neglecting a few friends and have fallen out of touch. Maybe you should make a solid effort to reconnect with them. Then again, maybe doing so will remind you of all their horrid traits that made you want to lose touch in the first place.
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