Horoscopes Reinterpreted

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By Cedar Goslin

ARIES
March 21 – April 19
You know when you walk into a room and then suddenly forget why? Well, your entire week is going to be like that, which could be become really awkward really fast when it comes to entering a restroom.
TAURUS
April 20 – May 20
Taurus, it’s time to stop being so bullheaded. Just because someone disagrees with you doesn’t mean you have to have a cow about it. Should they admit being in the wrong, don’t milk it for all it’s worth, just humbly accept their apology and moooove on.
GEMINI
May 21- June 20
There’s a point when it goes from being indecisive to downright obnoxious—this week, Gemini, you are reaching that point. You’ll find yourself completely unable to make any sort of decision. If you find yourself sweating over the question “paper or plastic,” you should probably seek help.
CANCER
June 21 – July 22
After two weeks of poor luck, things are looking up but improving doesn’t necessarily mean “good.” Rather than manifesting itself in detrimental ways, you’ll merely experience minor annoyances all week. Wave bye-bye to the left shoe out of every pair you own.
LEO
July 23 – Aug. 22
Curiosity may kill the cat, but hey, you have nine lives! Leo, it is time to start asking yourself the deep questions: what are you going to do with your life? What is the meaning of human existence? What kind of animal does pastrami come from? This week, explore everything, just keep track of those lives.
VIRGO
Aug. 23 – Sept. 22
Early this week you’re going to see a movie, hear a song, or look at a painting that is going to mess with you for the rest of the week—you’ll find yourself being jumpy as a result, which is going to result in a lot of spilled liquids, which may not be the only reason your pants get wet. Avoid things like the Goya Black Paintings, Marilyn Manson and that new gnome movie.
LIBRA
Sept. 23 – Oct. 21
Last week your attitude caused a lot of conflict. Regardless of whether or not things have been smoothed over with those around you, there are going to be some awkward silences, as there always are after conflicts. The best way to deal with these is to make inappropriate noises whenever silence falls and blame the person next you.
SCORPIO
Oct. 22 – Nov. 21
This week, you should avoid cats of any type, because you’re sure have some sort of terrible incident involving one. Even if you’re a cat person, you should probably toss Mr. Fluffles out for the week, just to be safe. Decline any invitation to visit a household that has cats as the feline fiend will be your downfall. Avoiding Leos is probably a good idea, too.
SAGITTARIUS
Nov. 22 – Dec. 21
Your week is going to be very pleasant. You’ll experience good luck, receive excellent grades on all of you school work and maybe even meet a good love interest. We both know what this means—that’s right, it’s the calm before the storm.

 

CAPRICORN
Dec. 22 – Jan. 19
People have been calling you paranoid lately, Capricorn, but it’s not paranoia if they really are out to get you. You’ve been feeling eyes on you wherever you go, and you’re pretty sure that your personal cell phone is bugged—well, Capricorn, you should always trust your instincts. This week should be dedicated to shaking “them” off your trail.
AQUARIUS
Jan. 20 – Feb. 18
Have you ever heard the term “workaholic?” That’s you, Aquarius, and like all things ending in “holic” it’s an unhealthy condition that needs to be tended to immediately. The best way to fix this is to detox completely—drop all work completely, even if it leaves others hanging. This week is about you and fixing your little problem.
PISCES
Feb. 19 – March 20
Pisces, you are in for a mundane week. First, you’ll call it comfortable and secure, but by the end you’ll be wondering when you fell into this rut and why every day is just like the ones before it. The fact is, you are going to be bored this week. What? The stars can’t predict life changing events for everyone.
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