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America may care about soccer in the future, but don’t get your hopes up

Don Iler

The Broadside

Every four years, news organizations around America look forward to the time when they can recycle their, “Is this the year America cares about soccer?” article, putting it in between coverage on how social media is changing America and LeBron James. The thing is, America probably never will care about soccer, and despite what annoying soccer fans tell you, it’s just not going to happen, because soccer is fundamentally un-American.

America will never care about soccer or the world cup until we have a team that wins. Americans don’t like losing, especially to a country like Ghana, so until we can compete, Americans will continue to be ambivalent about soccer.

Americans won’t care about soccer because in spite of universality, it’s an essentially European sport, and just like smelly cheese and good tasting beer, most Americans will hate it because it is European. Would an American roll around on the ground feigning injury? Or would he get up, and perservere on? You tell me which is more American.

We aren’t good at soccer because all our best athletic talent goes into basketball and football and baseball, and the reason all our best talent goes into those sports is because that’s where the money is at. If a lot of money was invested into soccer in America, then we might have a chance. But I don’t think we ever will.

Americans will also never care about soccer because of the vuvuzela. There is no reason that something that annoying needs to exist. I could say more but you’ve probably already heard it.

Soccer is incredibly boring. I love to play soccer, it’s a fun athletic game. But watching it on TV ranks up there with golf and bowling as a spectator sport. It’s watching a ball bounce back and forth for 90 minutes, and then maybe just maybe something might happen. But then it’s one goal and then the ref makes a mistake and since they don’t stop the clock or allow for a review of the play, bad calls happen a lot.

America might care about soccer in the future, but I don’t think we ever will care about it as much as everyone else in the world does. But they also don’t care about basketball or football as much as do, so I think they’re missing out on a lot more than we are. So, whiny soccer fan sitting in a bar somewhere complaining about my ambivalence to your sport, go on ahead, the only reason you like the sport is because you like being different and you like the scarves. I’ll continue eating cheese burgers and freedom fries and watching American football.

You may contact Don Iler at diler@cocc.edu

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3 COMMENTS

  1. Don, although i got a good laugh from your article and agree with the unarguable facts, i will continue to work my entire life to preserve the American spirit of pioneering and pushing the entrepreneurial avenues of what our country is capable of!
    Sincerely,
    A cheerful fan of Portland Timbers Major League Soccer 2011

  2. 90 minutes of watching grown men kicking each other in the shins and acting like sissies is a waste of time and moreso, boring.

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