Don Iler
The Broadside

The first time I heard about the KFC double down, I thought it was just some sort of article from The Onion. But then I figured out it actually exists. And since then, ads for the fatty behemoth have been assaulting me every 10 or 15 minutes while I watch the Stanley Cup playoffs. And it was then that I knew I had to eat it.

First off, what sort of sick fuck comes up with this? As if KFC deep fried chicken wasn’t greasy and nauseating enough, why not take away the buns, add another grey chicken breast, and then slather these breasts in some sort of spicy mayo sauce and two slices of bacon.

As if America wasn’t obese enough, let’s just take away all those empty white bread carbs and have more fat, meat and bacon.

This sandwich has to be one of the most American things on the face of the planet, up there with Super Wal-Mart, mega churches, gun shows, and the Ford Excursion. Would any other country in the world ever come up with something like the double down? Did America give up after the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no, we persevere with our technological superiority and disgusting fast food. We didn’t become the world’s sole super power for no reason.

The only problem with the double down is that it doesn’t taste good. You think if something had enough sodium, grease and bacon it would taste good no matter what. But the double down disappoints doubly.

The first bite isn’t so bad, but by half way through, the sandwich and its novelty wears off, and then you are left with some snot colored cheese, mushy chicken and a tightening chest and lead brick on your stomach.

I wish I could say I finished the double down, but the fact is I gave up. The 11 secret herbs and spices of the colonel’s chicken could not save this monstrosity, and my desire to eat the whole thing disappeared entirely too soon after the second bite. If something is going to be that awful for you, it better be goddamn delicious.

You may contact Don Iler at [email protected]