I’m very sorry for the silence. Spring Break has descended upon Disney World; therefore my life literally revolves around work.
For the past three weeks, I have been working an average of ten hours each day. That doesn’t sound so bad, until you factor in the part that I am working six days a week. And then there is the fun tid-bit about having an eight hour “turn-around” between my shifts.(A turn-around is the amount of time between the last shift you worked, and the next one.) Starbucks is literally composing half of my bloodstream right now.
To say the least, I am exhausted. And I’m finding now I am not just physically exhausted, but emotionally as well.
Everywhere I go, I feel like I leave a mess. To be fair, I have never been the “Suzy Homemaker” type. I have always been the woman who overextends herself. I try to keep all of my plates spinning, but the first one to fall is always the same: the cleanliness of my area.
Here in Florida, that is no different. But unfortunately, this time my actions have larger consequences. To call a spade a spade, I have been a really bad roommate. The one all of the Disney College Program Facebook pages complain about as being the one who makes food, uses dishes and then leaves them behind on the way to work. Yeah, unfortunately, that is me. The dishes pile up, the house gets cluttered, my roommates get frustrated, and now I am left feeling incredibly guilty. They have every right to be mad at me. I’d be mad too if I was in their shoes, which is why I feel so guilty about my mess. I really don’t know how to approach my roommates and tell them that I am sorry.
I am constantly apologizing. And they are right when they say that “You can only say sorry so many times.” But I am trying. I have sacrificed most of the mornings of my days off to make cleaning my bedroom and the kitchen a priority. Some days, I have even cancelled plans with some of my DCP friends in order to clean the house. I really am trying my best to show them that I am not intentionally being a slob. That I really do respect their wishes and our apartment. That I feel so guilty about the dishes I leave behind every other day, I am willing to sacrifice my day off just to clean our apartment just to feel somewhat at ease.
So this is what its like to be an adult, huh? Funny, I thought it would be more invigorating.
However, its gotten to the point where now I am feeling incredibly self-conscious. Not only about my mess, but about everything in my life. How I talk, how I act, how I dress, even when I come home from work. I feel like all I am doing is just making a mess.
And I feel so guilty about it all. Some nights after work, I don’t want to go back to the apartment.
This is the part of the College Program everyone warns you about: the boiling point. Where things just get to be too much. Where the pixie dust has worn off and reality sets in. Where you find out who you really are and what you are made of.
But now I find myself wondering who I am.
I am not ready to go home; but right now, I wish I had someone to talk to– someone who understands me all the way through. I miss my mom. I miss my best friends. I miss my dad, my brothers, my family, my support system. I miss the people who know me and accept me for who I am. I miss feeling understood.
Once again, I feel like I am leaving a mess. I’m really sorry.
Please excuse the venting, the fatigue, the dirty dishes, the laundry. Please excuse the tears, the broken plans, and the awkward silence. Please excuse my mess.
Emily Kalei | The Broadside