Horoscopes Reinterpreted Week of May 04 – May 11

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By Cedar Goslin

Aries (March 21-April 19)
Because Saturn is in a new position and Venus is all up in Uranus’s grill, you’re feeling a lot of positive energy which should be geared towards trying new things— you’re bound to succeed! However, you only have until Saturn shifts to do this, because its new position will spell horrible luck for you.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
You’re faced with a difficult choice this week, and you may think there’s no wrong answer, but you couldn’t be more wrong. Mess this one up, Taurus, and your future and happiness are doomed. Well, good luck!
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
This week you’re feeling depressed and want nothing more than to curl up on the couch and watch bad Hugh Grant movies until someone notices and tries to cheer you up. Well, let’s just say you better really stock up on those movies.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
What you see as your new confident and straightforward attitude everyone else sees as arrogance. This week, you’re going to get on everyone’s last nerve because of your pretenscious behavior; you might want to start sucking up now.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
For some reason this week you’re going to be seeking deeper personal bonds with those around you. It’s not enough for you to have friends, you want to be someone’s best friend, or even their only friend. You should get over this, because if they can only choose one companion, no one will pick you.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
This week you’re all about looking at things from a new angle and starting over. Which really means, you messed up big time and you hope you can get everyone to forget about it if you lay on enough of the “rebirth” nonsense. Fat chance.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 21)
You’re going to have a wonderful week, and yet will be unable to shake the feeling of despondency. That just makes you ungrateful, really; the planets have aligned themselves in this way just for your happiness and you can’t even appreciate it? Talk about rude.
Scorpio (Oct. 22-Nov. 21)
Things are going to be constantly going wrong this week—we’re talking seriously disastrous. But you should keep your head up and try not to let it get to you. In other words, it won’t get better anytime soon, so might as well get used to it.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
You’ve had good times and bad times, and now prepare yourself for the painfully boring times. There is very little in the stars for you this week, so you’re in for a very dull seven days. You’ll be so bored that you’ll long for chaos and tragedy.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
You’re feeling inspired this week, and you’re eager to do your part to change the world. Maybe you could take up stamp collecting instead? Sorry to say but your dreams are futile, Capricorns just aren’t world changers.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
You need this week for personal healing, a chance to relax and recharge. That’s what you need, but it’s not what you’re going to get. Next best option? Curl up into a fetal position and cry like you usually do.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March. 20)
You’ve been feeling used by your friends, and you want them to prove that it isn’t true. That will be hard, because they really are using you. But what are you going to do about? You could put your foot down, but then you wouldn’t have any friends at all.
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