Horoscopes Reinterperted

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Week of 4/20 to 4/27

by Cedar Goslin


Aries (March 21-April 19)
Your success this week depends solely on your ability to make a good impression. Uh-oh. Spend some extra time getting yourself ready in the morning—brush the cobwebs of your teeth and your attitude. Now is not the time to be arrogant or confrontational; surprisingly enough, that annoys people.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Negative energy will be chasing you this week. Don’t worry, it’s not as creepy as it sounds. What this really means is overall you’re going to feel crummy this week. Try to keep things at hand to cheer you up. Like chocolate.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
A grudge you’ve been keeping under the surface will rear its head this week. And really, it’s about time! Why keep your anger bottled up? Spend this week showing whoever pissed you off exactly why you should never mess with a Gemini.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
This week you will know nothing but triumph. Your career is looking great and you’re feeling more confident than ever. Because of your success, you’ll be tempted to take on people you would normally avoid. Go for it and don’t forget to rub it in, but avoid Geminis.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
This week your mind will be occupied with thoughts of getting away, moving somewhere new or at least taking a long vacation. Perhaps you just recognize that you need a break from the daily routine, or maybe you’re just trying to run away from your problems. Don’t be such a fraidy cat.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
You’re feeling tempted to jump into things based off what feels good, not what necessarily what makes the most sense. While in some situations this urge could be spontaneous and harmless, for the most part it’s probably better to wait and think things through. In other words, grow up.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 21)
Someone in your life has big ideas and is trying to make big decisions that affect you, which you are stubbornly resisting. Overall, this is the best approach. It’s good to make sure you’re the one making your own decisions and frankly, that someone in your life is an irritating control freak.

Scorpio (Oct. 22-Nov. 21)
Lately, someone you’re forced to be around regularly has been making you uncomfortable. You’ve considered avoiding them, but your best bet is to try to out-creep them. Try picking up some dark shades and spend at least five minutes daily breathing down this person’s neck. They’ll back off.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
You’ve been living life to the fullest lately, which is really just another way of saying you’ve been irresponsibly goofing off and using that old “you only live once” line as an excuse. This may have been cool when you were in high school but now it’s time to put the whipped cream down and get a job.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
You’re surrounded by chaos and need some serenity in your life fast. You might want to go the easy route and get a fish tank. There’s nothing more serene than slimy creatures swimming circles in their own filth. Just make sure not to over crowd your tank because watching your new pets cannibalize each other will only add to your stress.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Lately you feel like no one ever appreciates you and it’s really bumming you out. Has it not occurred to you though that you don’t do anything worth appreciating? On the bright side, you’ll probably receive a multitude of gratitude if you just stop whining, which really isn’t that hard.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March. 20)
You’ve come into some good fortune as of late and you’ve been using whatever you have to bribe your way into success. But Pisces, you’re not fooling anyone. Everyone knows you couldn’t get a 90 on that math exam without slipping some money under the table.
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